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S P O T L I G H T

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Friday, April 27, 2012

Its all about beer!

THE BEER PRAYER

 

OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,

HALLOWED BY THY FAME.

THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,

AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,

AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,

AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.

AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,

BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.

FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,

FOREVER AND EVER.

- AMEN -

 

 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

 

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

 

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

 

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

 

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

 

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

 

News Flash - - -

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

 

 

WARNING TO MEN:

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

 

The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

 

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

 

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

 

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

 

Signs that you are too drunk would be... 

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

 

Beer Facts

 

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after

the wedding, the brides father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he

could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this

period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

 

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger

into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,

and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This

thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

 

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when

customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own

pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

 

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear

from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking

for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted

ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

 

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale,

the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or

even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk"; means "bare shirt" in Norse,

and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

 

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the

navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called

Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.

 

The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When

you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy".

 

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or

handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle

to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

 

Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Super Rugby 2012 : Blues v Queensland Reds Preview

Key players out for the Tahs
This weekend is looking like a tough week for the Australian Super Rugby teams.
Autoplay OnOffVideo feedbackVideo settings
Eden Park, Auckland, Friday 5.35pm (AEST)
Last meeting: Played 17 Blues 8 Reds 8 drawn 1
Head-to-head: Semi-final 2011 - Reds 30 bt Blues 13 at Suncorp Stadium
In Auckland: Played 6 Blues 3 Reds 3
Referee: Craig Joubert (RSA)
TV: Live, FoxSports 3

If a team is going to beat the Blues at home, this is the moment, as they've lost the plot. The Reds have the ability, but are short of several important players and that could see the Blues have a rare moment of joy in an otherwise abominable season.

It would have been impossible to predict that last year's semi-final combatants would enter this clash with just one win between them in their last 10 matches combined. While the Reds have struggled badly due to backline injury woes, the Blues have simply under-performed terribly. Under-fire Piri Weepu has lost some weight and gained a chance to silence the knockers at halfback but the Blues will be without Test prop Tony Woodcock (calf). Digby Ioane makes his long-awaited return from suspension at outside centre in a major boost for Queensland. It looms as a battle of the breakdown with the Reds naming both their ball scavengers, Liam Gill and Beau Robinson, and the Blues going the same way with Luke and Daniel Braid.

BLUES: Hadleigh Parkes, George Moala, Rene Ranger, Ma'a Nonu, Rudi Wulf, Gareth Anscombe, Piri Weepu, Peter Saili, Luke Braid (capt), Daniel Braid, Filo Paulo, Ali Williams, Charlie Faumuina, Tom McCartney, Tevita Mailau. Reserves: James Parsons, Pauliasi Manu/Angus Ta'avao, Liaki Moli, Chris Lowrey, Alby Mathewson, Michael Hobbs, Benson Stanley (one to be omitted).

REDS: Luke Morahan, Dom Shipperley, Digby Ioane, Mike Harris, Rod Davies, Ben Lucas, Will Genia; Scott Higginbotham, Liam Gill, Beau Robinson, James Horwill (capt), Rob Simmons, James Slipper, James Hanson, Ben Daley. Reserves: Albert Anae, Greg Holmes, Adam Wallace-Harrison, Jake Schatz, Ed Quirk, Nick Frisby, Anthony Faingaa.

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Aussie Rules Football - Preview: Fremantle v Carlton

 

Click Here to Watch Live - Fremantle Dockers  v Carlton Blues AFL Premiership

 

WHERE AND WHEN: Patersons Stadium, Friday April 27, 6.45pm

LAST TIME: Fremantle 12.13 (85) lost to Carlton 16.19 (115), round 21, 2011 at Patersons Stadium

TV, RADIO AND BETTING: Click here for broadcast guide and odds

 

Carlton entered its round four clash with Essendon undefeated and carrying the ever-shifting 'premiership favourite' tag, but a 30-point loss prompted some sober analysis. Fremantle, meanwhile, gained credibility with a rare Melbourne win, showcasing the harder edge Ross Lyon is working to install. It sets up an intriguing match-up at Patersons Stadium that will shed more light on what these teams can achieve this season.

 

THE FOUR POINTS

FREMANTLE

1. Capitalising on the ruck dominance of Aaron Sandilands has been a long-running issue for Fremantle, and it came to a head against St Kilda. Despite a 54-28 advantage in hit-outs, Fremantle lost the clearances 30-43, with Lenny Hayes repeatedly sharking Sandilands's taps. Sandilands is in doubt with a calf injury, but if he plays, can Fremantle get the ledger in its favour against leading clearance players Chris Judd and Marc Murphy?   

2. Lyon highlighted the need for Fremantle's middle tier to lift pre-season, and so far he has seen results. Michael Johnson has produced consistently across half-back, Ryan Crowley is adding a defensive edge to the midfield and Paul Duffield has enjoyed a strong fortnight. When Fremantle has played well there has been a longer list of contributors, which has eased the burden on the club's stars. 

3. Adam McPhee and Ryan Crowley were superb against the Saints, playing shutdown roles on Stephen Milne and Nick Dal Santo respectively, so who will Lyon assign his stoppers to on Friday night? Crowley is certain to get either Judd or Murphy, but there may be more headaches for Fremantle in a Carlton forward line that contains dangerous pair Eddie Betts and Jeff Garlett as well as the returning Andrew Walker.  

4. Lyon has stated this week that he is confident Nat Fyfe will be fit to play on Friday night, but nothing can be taken for granted after the young star was a late withdrawal against the Saints. The midfielder played through a similar shoulder injury last season and finished second in the club's best and fairest, suggesting he could have a big impact if he pushes.   

 

CARLTON

1. There's something wrong if the Blues come out anything less than absolutely ferocious at the contest at Patersons Stadium. Brett Ratten's men were worried out of it by the Bombers' attack on the footy in last week's upset result and you can bet the coach has laid out a few home truths in the aftermath.

2. Carlton will benefit from the return of Andrew Walker from a quadriceps tendon injury that has kept him out of the line-up since the second round of the NAB Cup. Ratten was clearly relieved to welcome back the dynamic forward when he spoke to the press mid-week and he'll add a much-needed spark inside attacking 50.

3. Matthew Kreuzer and Shaun Hampson have won plenty of praise for their start to the season, but the young Blues ruckmen were comprehensively outpointed by Tom Bellchambers and Paddy Ryder. Their task doesn't get any easier this week against man mountain Aaron Sandilands and the athletic Zac Clarke.

4. Ratten has enough on his plate trying to plot a win against Fremantle, but he's also expecting his third child the day after the big clash in Perth. The expectant father will board the red-eye flight from Perth to Melbourne to arrive 

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=========================================
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Golf Tournament Schedule - 24 - 29th April

Tournaments this week
PGA Tour Live - Zurich Classic of New Orleans at TPC Louisiana
LPGA Tour Live - Mobile Bay LPGA Classic at RTJ Golf Trail
European Tour Live - Ballantines Championship at Blackstone Golf Course
Nationwide Tour Live - South Georgia Classic at Kinderlou Forest 
Click on the watch live button to go online to any of the above events.
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Golf Tournament Schedule - 24 - 29th April

Tournaments this week
PGA Tour Live - Zurich Classic of New Orleans at TPC Louisiana
LPGA Tour Live - Mobile Bay LPGA Classic at RTJ Golf Trail
European Tour Live - Ballantines Championship at Blackstone Golf Course
Nationwide Tour Live - South Georgia Classic at Kinderlou Forest 
Click on the watch live button to go online to any of the above events.
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